Some addicts leave needles or alcohol bottles in their wake. For me, it's bags of chips and M&M's. That was what I wanted to eat on New Year's eve knowing that I may never have it or any junk food again. Ever. And I'm OK with that.
It's hard to know where to start this conversation. I have been here so many times before. So many New Year's Days filled with hope and anticipation of once and for all dismissing the foods that have turned my body into a lethargic blob of swollen skin.
When it comes to eating clean and exercising regularly, I have failed more times that I can count. Some of those times have been very public like two years ago when my weight was published in the local newspaper every week for three months!
If I couldn't overcome food addiction with thousands of people watching, what makes me think now is any different? A few things come to mind. First, every failure strengthens my resolve. I learn a lot while I'm trying to pick myself up and get back on the health wagon.
For months, I have been lurking in Chef AJ's and John Pierre's Ultimate Weight Loss (UWL) support group where I was absorbing information and inspiration from people who were taking control of their health. Chef AJ made a post that called the lurkers out. She said responses to her posts were not what they should be and that in order to make progress, we have to have accountability and be engaged in the process. Be part of the conversation! So I started chiming in and one of my first posts was about how strict I felt that the program was. No sugar, oil, salt, flour, alcohol or any trigger foods that are used for comfort rather than fuel.
After the post where I called the UWL program "militant" because it seemed so strict, it dawned on me that I was talking like an addict. I was in denial about how serious food addiction is for me and feeling deprived of the "good" food. How could I go the rest of my life without the comfort foods that I have been addicted to for decades? No more chips, M&M's, pizza, french fries, veggie subs, deep fried mushrooms, mocha frappes, root beer, sweet tea... how depressing. Shoot me now!
But here's the thing I have discovered as I have yo-yoed between eating clean and falling off the wagon, the pleasure of consuming comfort foods is short lived with long term consequences. For a few nano seconds I get the soothing stimulation to my brain that sugar, oil and salt provides, but what about the after effect? What about the lethargy that follows that makes it hard to even get out of bed? What about the moodiness, headaches and stomach aches? What about the constipation? What about the extra 150 pounds of flesh on my frame? What about the humiliation from my swollen legs and fat rolls that keeps me from swimming and socializing in public? Just today, I wouldn't go in a family friends house or in the store because I had on sweatpants that are too short and showed my swollen legs.
What about the rashes that appear when I eat junk food? I have no idea what it is that I am allergic to, but whatever it is makes a rash appear at random places on my body and ignites inflammation that makes me feel like a human balloon. These symptoms subside when I eat clean!
The pain, both emotional and physical has reached a tipping point, the place where change occurs because the pain of staying the same is greater than the pleasure I get from eating the junk food. It feels like the cravings switch has been turned off in my brain. I don't want the junk food anymore. It's just not worth the havoc it creates in my life. When the cravings switch is off I have clarity that shines a bright light on the truth for me and helps me see that junk food is poison to my body and my life!
I hope the cravings switch stays off so that I can finally be free of food addiction and live the healthier life I envision that has been sidelined for so long. It makes me sad to think of all the years I have wasted because I allowed food to be my friend instead of fuel.
I hesitated about telling anyone this time. I'm sure some of the people who know me are think here she goes again! But, Chef AJ said I should shout it from the rooftops because it helps with accountability. I think it helps others who may be struggling with food addiction too. So, I am blogging about my journey in the hope of helping someone else along the way. I have always believed in paying what you learn forward to help others who are ready to make positive change. I am beyond ready. Are you?
I hesitated about telling anyone this time. I'm sure some of the people who know me are think here she goes again! But, Chef AJ said I should shout it from the rooftops because it helps with accountability. I think it helps others who may be struggling with food addiction too. So, I am blogging about my journey in the hope of helping someone else along the way. I have always believed in paying what you learn forward to help others who are ready to make positive change. I am beyond ready. Are you?
